Name my next child
By Logan | July 17, 2008
In case you missed the news, my wife is expecting a son around Thanksgiving. I give you the SSB-inspired naming matrix:
Ka/Bra/Xa/Da/Ja
Th/cho/li/st/sh
Po/bi/den/xy/er
Mix and match syllables (one from each line) to create the best baby names ever. Some early suggestions from co-workers and me:
Xachobi
Dather
Jachoden
Bralixy (My favorite so far. Music to my ears!)
Leave your suggested names in comments. Can’t wait!
Topics: Funny | 4 Comments »
A bit of a rush job
By Logan | July 17, 2008
I love it when reporters try to tell me there’s a crisis when there’s not. Here’s the first line of the story in question:
“Cold winters can be hard on the homeless, but record heat is life-threatening.”
Yeah, a little freezing weather never killed anyone, people. Just throw on a blanket. Oh wait, that’s the next line (seriously):
“In the winter, even those without shelter can use blankets to keep
warm. In the summer, especially when predicted moderating temperatures
spike to record heat, the homeless can’t always cool off. Worse, they
can’t find enough clean drinking water.”
1. Blankets, huh? How many do you suppose you’d need to have a comfortable night when it’s 10 degrees outside?
2. No record heat this year, pal.
3. Really? There’s nowhere to cool off? It’s called shade, and it works in Utah because we have no humidity.
4. No drinking water? What happened to those drinking fountains downtown? And the ones at the mall?
The story goes on like this, trying to convince us that Salt Lake City might as well be in the middle of the Sahara. Sounds like the guy had no story ideas by midday and decided to spruce up a press release from Volunteers of America. It’s a good thing they’re doing, and nothing against the homeless, who clearly have it rough in many ways. But let’s tone it down a bit, huh?
Topics: Funny | 2 Comments »
Early college football fever
By Logan | July 15, 2008
I can’t even eat a chip with guacamole on it these days without wishing I could eat that chip in front of a television screen displaying a college football game. Even the smell of apples and cinnamon makes me think of fall which makes me think of college football. Using this computer at this very moment makes me think of the one I use
to check espn.com daily during the college football season (that’s not
the whole story — I check the site and several other sports sites
about five times a day on Fridays (pre-games) Saturdays (to see scores,
etc.) and Sundays (post-games)). I’ve been in a frenzy lately because just about every pre-season publication and prognosticator is saying BYU has a good shot at going to a BCS bowl this year. Foaming at the mouth, I tell you. And watching old home videos makes me think of when my daughter was born which was in the fall when college football is going strong. In fact, during several of the videos of me playing with her in her early months, I’m also watching/listening to some college football game in the background. She was raised on the game. Additionally, you may be pleased to know the Dyneuxmite crew has trained my daughter to raise her arms (or just one of them, lately) whenever we say “Touchdown!” and now she does it on her own whenever she sees anyone with a helmet on (like her cousin in a hockey outfit — “Yes, baby, football. That’s right.”). Oh, and she can say “goo-guh” (cougars) and knows to say it when she is wearing her BYU shirt. I can’t wait, man. Perhaps the worst part of all of this is that I’ll be on vacation the last weekend of August, when the season starts, which wouldn’t be a bad thing except that I’m headed out of range of The mtn., the network televising the BYU game. I’ll have to do what I did in Illinois: listen to the Cougars on Internet radio while watching some other game on ESPN so it still feels like I’m getting the full experience.
Topics: Funny | 2 Comments »
America
By Braden | June 27, 2008
2nd verse, from Logan:
O beautiful, for pilgrim feet
Which cannot bear a load
Much less a path for freedom beat
Across an empty road!
America! America! God mend thine ev’ry flaw;
Thy soul is well when self propelled, thy body in a spa!
Topics: Funny, Oh dear | 5 Comments »
My new favorite blog (besides Dyneuxmite)
By Logan | June 26, 2008
Someone has done an excellent, excellent job with this, and my hat goes off to whoever it is. There’s nothing like young Mormon women for a good laugh! So good I left a comment on the top post.
Topics: Funny | No Comments »
More bragging
By Logan | June 26, 2008
A couple more awards in the Utah chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists. This contest is also divided into divisions, but it’s only in Utah, so we only competed against the Spectrum in St. George and BYU’s Daily Universe. I won first place in medical reporting for the vaccine article and first place in personality profile for this profile of Donny Osmond. See comments about my articles and the other awards my paper won here.
Also, here’s what the judges said about my awards in the AP contest.
GENERAL REPORTING - Logan Molyneux - 1st place — Head and shoulders above the rest in this crowded field. Thoroughly researched with every angle covered, this piece covers a topic of great significance everywhere. The individuals featured really bring the issue to life and capsulize the debate positions. Great job.
REVIEWS - Logan Molyneux - 2nd place — Logan takes me right inside the restaurants and lets me dig in with him. And his “meals” are just the right size!
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Greatest food product ever invented
By Logan | June 26, 2008
If you want to know what it is, read my latest Skinny column.
[UPDATE 5/26/08 1:46 p.m.] OK, so I’ll tell you what the food is: Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. Some woman left a message on my phone wanting to know if my column was tongue-in-cheek or if the Dietary Health Advisory Board really called Mac & Cheese a good source of nutrition for children.
I told her there is no such thing as the Dietary Health Advisory Board.
Topics: Funny | No Comments »
I reject your rejection letter
By Logan | June 25, 2008
Stumbled upon this fantastic bit of work:
Dear Professor Millington, Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants. Sincerely, Chris L. Jensen
Topics: Funny | No Comments »
But wait…
By Braden | June 25, 2008
Just seen on a commercial for eyedrops:
“The most common side effect is a burning sensation in the eye”
I’ll take two.
Topics: Funny, Oh dear | 1 Comment »
Dyneuxpedia: Weights and Measures
By Logan | June 11, 2008
Editor’s note: The second in a continuing series of encyclopedic entries designed to share with the world the vast factual and historical knowledge of Dyneuxmite staff. For the first installment, click here.
A “gram” is equal to the weight of a cracker, and a “kilogram” is the amount of force required to end that cracker’s life. A “liter” (or “litre” in England) is a measure of weight, or the force of gravity on time. It is equal to the mass of the president of whichever country in which you reside. This measurement was invented by King George I of England who wanted to be remembered as a historic leader (or “leadre” in England). The original term was a “George” (leading to the English idioms “By George” and because George was on the heavy side, “the broad side of a George”) but after a falling-out with the majority party of the era, parliament opted for a more generic-sounding term, “Leightre,” which meant “leader.” When English pilgrims settled in America, they retained the sound of the word but dropped the extra letters in the spelling as an act of defiance against the English government. As is often the case with American ideas, the new spelling became the standard around the world.
A “furlong” is the measure of a radius around a home or other stationary point (such as a park bench) within which a mother concedes it is safe for her children (or husband) to roam freely. The name of the measure comes from that most cherished of maternal phrases, “Don’t be gone furlong.” Of course, the exact distance within which a child was allowed to roam was interpreted differently by the mothers and the children (and especially by the husbands), leading to spankings and much confusion, as well as the eventual obsoleteness of the term.
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
School is like…
By Braden | June 11, 2008
I am in Summer School right now. Not Summer School like “I was a bad kid during the rest of the year,” but Summer School like “I’m married.” I’m taking two classes that I really don’t like (read: “brutally despise”). So for me, at this point, school is like gambling. Allow me to explain.
I go in to take a test. I’ve studied, but that doesn’t mean I know anything. I look at the bubble sheet, choose some random letters, maybe ones that correspond with my name or birthdate, and turn it in. Then, as I go to look at the scores screen, I’m thinking to myself, “Come on, big money, big money!” Invariably I’m disappointed because I don’t win. I think there are about the same odds of me getting 100% as there are of me winning the lottery, but there’s always next time.
Topics: Gripes, Oh dear | 3 Comments »
And now, an award-winning journalist
By Logan | June 7, 2008
That’s right folks, Dyneuxmite co-founder Logan Molyneux was awarded two prizes at the Associated Press’s regional competition this year. I won first place in General Reporting for this story I wrote about vaccines. I also won second place in the reviews category for my dining reviews. (I really can’t remember which three reviews I entered, but I think they included this one and this one.) The reporting award was in a category of papers with circulations between 10,000 and 50,000 in the Utah-Idaho-Spokane area, so about five or six different papers, I think. But the reviews winners were chosen from all papers in the area, including bigger ones like the Salt Lake Tribune and the Idaho Statesman. So in the reviews category, it was the entertainment guy from the Tribune, then me, then the movies guy from the Desert News. So even the second place one is pretty cool. I got a big plaque for my first place win and a check for $25 (!) and I got a certificate for the second place one. Sorry for the bragging, but I’m pretty excited.
Topics: Awesome | 10 Comments »
A short history of Pilates
By Braden | June 5, 2008
Pilates, as you all know, is a popular form of exercise among women and females. It involves moving, which means exercise. Pilates was invented back around 30 A.D. by a man named Pontius Pilate (you can see where it got its name). Pilate wasn’t well known and his exercise movement didn’t really catch on until he was briefly mentioned in a popular publication, the Bible. The Bible was a popular journal of the day and could be found at newsstands and in supermarkets, so to be mentioned there was a pretty big deal. Anyway, Pilate was actually more well known for being the father of aviation (you can see where pilots get their name).
After making some bad court-related decisions he fled the country and changed his name to Pontius Wright. Upon settling in Kittyhawk, NC, he met a couple dudes named Wilbur Wright and Orville Redenbacher. Wilbur was actually just a pig that got famous for having some spider for a friend and Orville had some crazy obsession with corn and butter. After hanging out with these guys for a while, Pontius got bored and built a jumbo jet. But since jet fuel didn’t exist at the time he became depressed and faded from history books. Orville, after having success in other industries, used some of his money to make a lightweight aircraft. He, too, changed his name to Wright and, after putting Wilbur in the plane and launching it with a giant rubber band, became famous (with his “brother”) for being the inventor of flight. And that, my friends, is how we got the phrase “when pigs fly”. The end.
Topics: Awesome, Funny | 4 Comments »
How to have an enjoyable, romantic Saturday in 20 easy steps
By Logan | June 3, 2008
1. Make plans to receive spa treatments with your wife while the baby sleeps at Grandpa’s house.
2. Make plans to have lunch with your wife before spa treatments. Use a coupon to save money (she won’t mind).
3. Scrap plans for lunch when baby won’t sleep.
4. Scrap plans for spa treatments when baby still won’t sleep.
5. Go out for lunch while Grandpa plays with baby because you’re starving by now.
6. Discover the coupon is no longer valid because restaurant has closed down.
7. Choose another restaurant nearby for which you also have a coupon.
8. Discover that restaurant has also closed down, making your coupon invalid and ruining plans for lunch.
9. Grab something to eat at Wendy’s, including a chocolate Frosty dairy dessert.
10. Go pick up baby, who is a wreck after being awake for seven hours straight, possibly setting a baby record.
11. Rush home, forgetting to take important items from Grandpa’s with you (mountain bikes, maybe).
12. Lull baby to sleep with high-speed freeway driving.
13. Arrive home and unload car, except for baby, who is still sleeping.
14. Call for wife to carry sleeping baby into house.
15. Helpfully offer to hold front door for wife but fail to notice half-open garage door hovering just at forehead height.
16. Collide with garage door along hairline causing cranial laceration and quite a loud crash.
17. Collapse on driveway in pain and despair as your head bleeds and your baby awakes, screaming.
18. Call brother to cancel evening plans on account of massive headache and inconsolable child.
19. Take four ibuprophen and crawl under bed.
20. Wait for Sunday.
Topics: Funny | 5 Comments »
Bright Ideas
By Braden | May 27, 2008
So a federal appeals court ruled the other day that our paper money is “violating the law by failing to design and issue currency that is readily distinguishable to blind and visually impaired people.” It was suggested that we print different sized bills or bills with raised ink. I think I have a better idea:
Print money on varying-grit sandpaper
So a twenty would be 200 grit, a ten would be 120 grit, a five would be 100, and so on. Plus, how many blind people do you know that spend too much money? None! So this would encourage them to not hold onto those bills for very long so as to not have to replace their wallet every thirty days. This would stimulate the economy, save the United States, AND stop most natural disasters as far as my research shows.
“Hey! This is too smooth! Are you trying to stiff me?!
Topics: Funny, Oh dear | 5 Comments »
