Things I’ve learned from Indiana Jones
By Braden | November 13, 2008
1. You can survive a nuclear bomb in a lead-lined fridge (the door will stay shut while flying through the air).
2. All monkeys naturally hate Russians.
3. Swinging from vines tarzan-style comes naturally and effortlessly to most people.
4. Magnets strong enough to pull metal grains through the air, defying gravity, can be cancelled out by some thin burlap.
5. 1 in 4 of your friends will die because of greed.
6. All ancient civilizations built their cities with self-destruct mechanisms.
7. The expert on whatever you’re interested in teaches at the local university.
8. What have you learned?
Topics: Awesome | 2 Comments »
Mystery caller revealed!
By Logan | November 5, 2008
We’re reasonably sure we’ve discovered who left this fantastic message on my editor’s phone at work. A cranky old guy came in to the office one morning when I wasn’t around and wouldn’t leave without speaking to someone. My buddy Stacy sat down with him, and here’s the first thing he says to her:
“Why does the Daily Herald hate the Marines?”
He goes on to say that he’s been trying to place an announcement in the paper but nobody will talk to him. What’s worse, he said he canceled his subscription after I hung up on him three times that morning. I hadn’t even been in the office yet.
So he’s gotta be the guy who doesn’t understand answering machines! He got my voice mail three times that morning and thought I was hanging up on him. And sure enough, there was one message on my phone, about 10 seconds of silence. I put his announcement in the paper today.
Also in the paper today is my latest skinny column. Enjoy.
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Needs? or wants?
By Logan | October 18, 2008
No, hon, I don’t think baby needs those things. Not our baby, anyway.
Topics: Funny | No Comments »
Oooh! Oooh! Pick me!!
By Braden | October 13, 2008
This one spied by ‘Neux sister Jenna. Seen at a local hospital:
“Come check out our new, shorter emergency room wait time!”
I’m dying to try that out…
…no pun intended…
Topics: Funny, Oh dear | No Comments »
Metro Editor, answer me!
By Logan | October 7, 2008
My co-editor got a message today from some old guy who obviously didn’t know he was talking to an answering machine. The recording is below, but if you don’t have sound right now, here’s a recap. It picks up mid phrase, sounding like he says “in please,” but it’s really garbled. Then there’s a pause, and these dramatic words, in his gravelly old-man voice:
“Metro Editor? … Hello? … Good hell, answer me.”
Another 10 seconds of silence before he hangs up. Poor guy was in the middle of some emergency and we weren’t there for him.
Topics: Funny | 3 Comments »
Disney Princess Noodle Soup
By Logan | September 23, 2008
Daughter goes to grocery store with wife. Daughter spots Campbell’s Disney Princesses Cool Shapes Pasta with Chicken in Chicken Broth. Daughter shrieks, “Girl, mama! Girl, mama, girl!” Wife puts can of Disney Princess soup in the cart. Daughter repeatedly intones “girl,” perhaps thinking the princesses themselves are within the can. Daughter and wife arrive home. Daughter grabs can out of bag, prances around kitchen with it repeating “girl, mama.” Daughter asks me to open the can. I open it for her and she is surprised, but still excited to eat the girls. I add the extra water and put it in the microwave. I put a small portion in daughter’s bowl, heavy on the princesses and light on the broth. Daughter takes a few bites, sets the bowl on the table and asks for Mac & Cheese. So I’m eating Disney Princess noodle soup for lunch.
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Time again for search terms
By Logan | September 12, 2008
No news today, so I’m blogging instead of working.
I looked up the list of search terms that have lead people to Dyneuxmite, and as always, there’s some real good ones in there. At the top of the list is “lungfish,” which as you readers all know is a frequent and important topic here on Dyneuxmite. Searches for “lung fish” are also common. Lungfish are near and dear to our hearts, so naturally we’re ecstatic that searches for “lungfish” brought ardent lungfish lovers to us. Emphasis on ardent because I’m through seven pages of Google search results for “lungfish” and nothing even resembling Dyneuxmite has come up. They’d have to be digging pretty hard for each and every tidbit on lungfish.
I’m also pleased to report that “people who care too much” brought four readers to us in the last year, and a search for “i care way too much for him” brought in one more. As you also know, Dyneuxmite is always on the lookout for people who care too much. We, of course, do not care very much.
Two readers found us by searching for “osmond blog vacation.” This is excellent considering our travel sales have not been as high as we had hoped. Our readers are looking for a different kind of vacation: a blog vacation, in which travelers use the “Next Random Post” button to travel virtually through the blogosphere. And not just any blog vacation, mind you, but one focused on the Osmonds. Our first Osmond Blog Vacation should be available within a few weeks (no guarantees).
Other highlights:
fast forward
x button
scratch head
nothing rhymes with bart
great expectations flashback
which is the best part of the story in g (that’s it — no typo from me)
mormon woman blog logan utah
funny knitting
complete bible of pilates
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Wearing sunglasses indoors
By Logan | September 12, 2008
Dude wanders into work today wearing his sunglasses. Because these fluorescent lights are just blinding. And besides, outside the sun is practically unbearable with all those clouds covering the sky. Reminds me of this guy who used to wear sunglasses all through church. He had two pairs. One I think was supposed to be transitions lenses, but they didn’t transition. Or they were just sunglasses. The other was a pair with flip-up sunshades over regular glasses. He lifted the sunshades now and then, usually in between meetings. Why would anyone do that?
P.S. — Is it even necessary to announce that your product now has new packaging (and the same great product!)? I mean, I can see the product’s name, and it looks different. That should tell me all I need to know. With that information, if you can’t figure out that the product’s packaging is now different, you need more help than “New look! Same great taste!”
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Tra la la la la la
By Logan | September 11, 2008
Tra la la la la la
Two little eyes that see
Two little eyes the blink blink blink
And many more things make me.
So goes the primary song. On the CD, it’s a couple of tracks after “If you’re happy and you know it,” which my daughter asks to listen to every time we get in the car. But it always cracks me up when this song comes on, because it’s like the lyricist was having a bad case of writer’s block:
“OK, parts of the body. Let’s see, I’ve got eyes, um… eyes… and a bunch of other stuff.”
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Just can’t do it.
By Braden | September 10, 2008
Here’s wisdom I live by:
“You can wolf down pizza, you can chug a coke, but you can’t do either to yogurt”
-Braden Molyneux
Allow me to explain. Actually, you have no choice, I WILL explain, please excuse my courtesy. I was on the way to school the other day, waiting for the bus. I pulled out my yogurt thinking I had enough time to finish it before the bus came. Nope. As soon as I see it I think, “Uh-oh, this isn’t allowed on the bus, better put it all down.” And this is what went on in my body:
Throat: What the heck? What is he doing? Hey Stomach!
Stomach: Yeah.
Throat: I got some crazy semi-solid substance being shoveled in, gives me the willies, can’t handle it. You got anything?
Stomach: Uh… like a warning shot or something?
Throat: Whatever, just hurry.
Stomach: Well uh…, I got just plain dry heave,… or dry heave with a little burp at the end.
Throat: Um… Go with the little burp, that’s a nice touch.
I’ve leaned my lesson.
Topics: Funny, Oh dear | 2 Comments »
Overheard
By Braden | September 9, 2008
At work:
“The hardest part about roller-blading is telling your parents you’re gay.”
Topics: Funny, Oh dear | 1 Comment »
Skinny Logan
By Logan | September 5, 2008
I wrote another Skinny column. Not really very funny. But that’s what I’ve got — a bad case of the notfunnies.
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Haiku time
By Logan | September 2, 2008
In the dark of night
Nothing cuts through the silence
Like a child’s cry
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Honestly rich
By Braden | August 19, 2008
I was watching the olympics the other day and at one point local news came on. I listened to a story about a boy who had made a $5 deposit in an ATM and his receipt showed $550000. He and his mother went back to the bank to do the “honest” thing and had made it onto the news, being praised to do so. The following night the same local news came on with a follow up to the story. Apparently the bank wanted its customers to know that it was not actually a bank error, the kid had just typed in the wrong amount and it was reconciled with what was in the envelope the next morning. A big deal for nothing, right? Correct. But I did learn something, whenever I feel down or feel poor I can type in an inflated amount to achieve this:
Topics: Awesome | 1 Comment »
Wart romoval
By Logan | August 15, 2008
This is too good not to pass along. After all, some of you Dyneuxmite readers could benefit from this service. From craigslist:
romove warts free (Utah County)
free remove warts of your body with out pain, no acid no surgery, tell to your friends, any ege.
call at 801 427 0703 or for more inf. send email at moronicoca@yahoo.es
My co-worker brings up a good point: Why on earth would anybody want to remove warts for free? “Oh, I just like warts.”
UPDATE [08/15/08 6:06 p.m.]: It turns out the removal is not free! My co-worker e-mailed the guy for more information, and got this in response: “you need bring 01 brown dry wheat for each wart, if you believe in God you will be healed or cured, I ‘m only a instrument in the hands of God. the session time should be 30 minutes. bye bye.” HA!
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
